Single women have come to me and they've told me the same story every time and they ask why men don’t commit. And the story they tell me is how good things were going. This happened and this happened and this happened. “And then he stopped talking to me. And he lost his commitment. He wasn't interested.”
Part of the reason for that is the natural development in any relationship and these single women don't realize the natural development is to become attracted and then to pull away.
See, it's normal and natural to have the connection and then to pull back and re-evaluate. Now some women just pull back and they re-evaluate, they say, “Yeah, I do I really want this guy. He seems to be ignoring me. Is he really the one for me?” And then when he's done with his doubting, he comes back to her. But other women, when they're in the uncertainty, they panic and they say, “Oh what's happening, he might be going out with somebody else. I have to go ask. What's the matter? What's going on?” Or she tries to be overly pleasing, overly eager to give him what he needs. At that moment she's now pursuing him when he pulls away and that kills the passion.
Barbara DeAngelis
There you get the conflict that we all live with every day. I want you to open up. And in his being, his genes and cells are saying, “But I've been trained for thousands of years to put a wall up and protect myself” - that's the dance between men and women as we go into the next century. Men learning to find their heart, to find their strength in their ability to feel, and women learning to find our strength in our ability to know what is love and what isn't. As to ask for what we deserve. And to not settle for less and convince ourselves that it's enough because it never is.
John Gray
If she pursues him when he pulls away, he can never find the place that wants to pursue her. When he pulls away, she needs to stay away until he pursues her again. So when he doesn't call back, she just never calls back. What she should do is for at least a few weeks do things not depending on him. Your whole life hasn't fallen apart, don't be so dependent on him. Do things so you're nurturing yourself during the uncertainty time. Give him an easy time. If he calls back, or you call him.
Don't scold him but let him be successful and that's how men bond with women. When we feel successful, we bond, then we back off. We doubt. Then bring him back. He pulls away. And gradually his confidence increases and he can make the commitment. Men make the commitment of marriage when men feel secure that this is a woman I can make happy. But if when he pulls back, she pursues him, he never gets the experience of, “I pursued, and I succeeded.”
Erica Jong
I don't think everybody feels confident of his manhood all the time and I don't think every woman feels confident of her womanhood all the time. But, this comes back to the issue of trust. If you make a person feel attractive, loved, if you give out the vibe to men that you like men, and that you're not looking for faults and failings ... I think that women who are attractive to men are women who give men the feeling that it's OK, that everything is going to be OK. They give them a level of comfort. And I think it's true also for women who are mature, that they want to be around men who give them a level of comfort and trust. So if there's a secret to good sex, I think it's that.
But you're never going to attract men if it seems like you really hate men. You know there are a lot of women out there who really hate men. They've been so bruised, so hurt that they're really so angry, that you can almost see that they're just waiting for the moment to really cut the man down. And of course there are men who feel that way about women. And if I meet somebody like that, I run miles in the opposite direction, cause they're really dangerous.
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